


Wish you would see me...

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Durincest, Erebor never fell, Fili and Kili grew up in Erebor, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Romance, Sibling Incest, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-09
Packaged: 2018-04-18 12:27:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4706000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Fili came of age, he realised that Kili is his one. He's been waiting for Kili to grow up a little and hopefully have the same epiphany. Kili has come of age, but his interest seems to lie elsewhere...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is an AU in which Erebor never fell. Fili and Kili grew up in Erebor. Thorin is the king under the mountain.

**Disclaimer: Middle Earth is not mine and neither are any of these characters.  I have just borrowed them for a while.**  

... 

Fili sat glumly thorough lunch wondering when this blessed Elven delegation would be done with their business and leave. He was sick and tired of the endless meetings, the ridiculous posturing on both sides and the needless arguments. And as if all this wasn't bad enough, Kili had spent the entire week flirting with Tauriel, the guard captain of Greenwood. 

He’d spent hours practicing archery with Tauriel and Legolas, he’d sat at the back of the hall with Tauriel during every meeting, having whispered conversations and he’d spent mealtimes with her as well, talking cheerfully, making jokes and generally being the life of the party.   

Fili had tried to tell himself that Kili was just being friendly and that it was probably quite a thrill to have someone around who understood his love of archery and could challenge him and teach him a few things. Maybe that was why he had taken a shine to the elves the way he had. Fili couldn't possibly grudge him that.   

But it hurt nonetheless. Kili was his one, a fact that Fili had realised when he’d come of age five years ago. It had shocked him at first, but both his mother and his uncle had assured him that while having a sibling as a soul mate was not common, it was certainly not unheard of among dwarves and that if they were truly each other’s ones, no one would disapprove. 

Fili had been relieved to hear that, but he hadn’t said anything to his brother because at that time, Kili had still been a few years from his majority and he was a little too young to know or understand. Fili had hoped that once his brother came of age, he would realise that the two of them were soul mates. Maybe then, he could stop hiding his feelings for Kili and stop feeling guilty every time he gazed at his brother a little too intently and not feel ashamed of himself for spending night after night longing for Kili. 

Kili had come of age a couple of months ago and so far nothing had changed. They were brothers, the same as they had always been and now Kili was openly expressing his admiration for another. The elf maid was a skilled archer and she was really rather beautiful. It was the sort of beauty that Fili himself didn't appreciate, but it was something that he knew he couldn't compete with. 

Unlike most dwarves, Kili had always been fascinated by elves. Where the rest of them thought the elves too thin and too tall and frankly strange looking, Kili found them beautiful. _Perhaps this is the reason_ , Fili thought as he watched Tauriel lean a little too close to Kili and whisper something that made him blush… _he’s so fond of elves because his one is an elf._

Fili had been trying not to think that thought all week and now he finally had. Maybe that was it. Just because Kili was his one, it did not mean that it had to work the other way around as well. His chest hurt at the thought and he decided that he couldn't stay there any more, he couldn't stay and watch his one so openly seeking another. 

It was not Kili’s fault, but Fili could not watch that beautiful smile given so freely to another while his brother did not bother to seek him out, did not even seem aware that he was in the room. So he got up and took his leave. Thorin looked a little concerned, but he didn’t ask any questions. 

“Take the afternoon off if you want,” he said. Fili nodded gratefully and slipped out of the room. 

He didn’t know where he was going. All he knew was that he needed to get away for a while. He had endured a week of watching Kili and Tauriel together, talking and laughing and flirting openly. He’d endured hours of “Tauriel this” and “Tauriel that” every night for the last few days and he felt like he was going out of his mind. 

He’d tried to tell himself that it was nothing, that it was just Kili being Kili. He tended to get swept up in his enthusiasm for people, things and experiences that were new…But Fili really couldn’t believe that anymore. He couldn’t ignore the way his brother was looking at the elf maid. The admiration was as obvious as the affection. Fili had been trying to ignore it all week and he’d been telling himself that it was no more than friendship, but he couldn’t lie to himself any more.   

His heart was hurting. He wanted Kili so much, he loved him so much and he’d already waited more than five years for his brother to grow up, hoping that his feelings would be returned but...it seemed that was not about to happen. The elves were leaving in a couple of days, but that was hardly good news because that alone wouldn’t stop Kili from pursuing Tauriel if she was indeed his one. 

Fili made his way to the mines, he’d got there almost without thinking. He went to his forge and he sat at his work bench. He loved being here, he loved forging and creating beautiful things. He was not a jeweller like Kili, but he had a considerable amount of skill at crafting metal. He loved working with silver and mithril most of all. 

He reached for a small wooden box under his table and he opened it. There were several beads there. He picked up two of them…he’d made them five years ago, forged them on the very night that he’d realised that Kili was his one. He’d gone quietly into his brother’s room and he’d stood beside his bed and watched him sleep. Kili was so beautiful…asleep with a smile on his face. It was only in his sleep that Kili was ever still. Otherwise he was all restless energy and joyful exuberance. 

Fili loved that side of him as well, but it was nice to see his one like this, quiet, peaceful, happy. It had felt so good to say that, his one. Kili was his one. Fili had watched him a little longer, then he’d bent and kissed Kili gently on his cheek. Then he’d gone down to the forge and spent the next three days making these beads. He had meant for them to be a courting gift. 

He held them up now and saw the intricate carvings in the light, the seven stars of Durin, Fili’s sigil on one side and Kili’s on the other and entwined in the middle, a lion and a raven. He’d dreamed of putting braids in Kili’s hair and keeping them in place with these beads… 

He’d wanted to declare himself on Kili’s name day two months ago. He’d even taken the beads with him that night, hoping to draw Kili aside and just tell him. But he’d hesitated. He’d thought that he should give Kili a little time to figure out that Fili was his one. Now it seemed that there was nothing to figure out. As far as Kili was concerned, Fili was his brother and nothing more. 

He couldn’t stop the tears from flowing as he sat alone in that forge and held the beads that he had made for Kili…it hurt, it hurt so much. He’d spent the last few years hiding his feelings and squashing every impulse to reach out and touch his one, to wrap his arms around him and to kiss him, to run his fingers through those dark locks, to kiss and caress and to hold him close...

 It had been so hard to bury his feelings and ignore his desires like that and now it seemed that he would have to go on doing it…and he would. But he would let himself give vent to his feelings just this once. It was weak of him to cry, he should be stronger than this, but just then he didn’t care. Just this once he would let himself cry and then he would go back and carry on as if nothing was amiss. After all, he had been doing it for years already and he’d got rather good at it.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Fili didn't how long he'd been in that forge. It was usually a very busy place, but there was no one there today. It was the day before Durin's day and the mines and the forges were closed because everyone was busy preparing for the celebrations on the morrow. The negotiations with the elves would end today, but the visitors had been invited to stay and participate in the Durin's day festivities. 

Thorin hadn't been very keen on sharing the festivities with the elves, but Dis had insisted, saying that it would help relations between the two peoples and their kingdoms. Fili knew that his mother was right, but he wasn't feeling very charitable towards the elves just then. He found himself wishing that they had never come to Erebor in the first place. 

Not that that would solve anything. If he was not Kili's one (and he was pretty sure that he wasn't or why would Kili not have known until now?) then keeping Tauriel away wouldn't have changed anything. He sighed. He wiped the tears from his face. He felt a bit better having let some of his emotion out, but now there was a weight in his heart. Where there had once been hope, there was now a burden that he would just have to learn to carry. 

Fili put the beads away and got up. He was reluctant to leave the warmth and the quiet of the forge, but no matter how much he wanted to stay down there, he couldn't. He had his duties to attend to, things that needed to get done. And Fili had always been conscientious about doing his duty. He had no desire to sit through yet another meeting, but going out and overseeing the preparations for Durin's day might help take his mind off his troubles. 

So he left the forge and went up the stairs. He noticed that it was getting close to dinner time, but he had no intention of going to the dining hall. He made his way to one of the council chambers that Dori had taken over. This was where all the planning for Durin's day was happening. Dori looked up when Fili entered the room. 

"Where have you been, lad? I've been waiting for you!" Dori said. 

"Sorry. I was caught up," Fili said vaguely. 

"It's these damn negotiations, isn't it?" 

"Yes. So I wanted to talk to you about the feast..." Fili began, in an effort to distract Dori. He had no desire to discuss where he had been all this time. "You asked me for the seating arrangement," he said, drawing a parchment from his pocket. 

Fili had drawn up a tentative seating plan for the big feast the next day. Dori had a few changes to suggest. They were still sorting it out when Ori came in wanting to talk to Fili about the musicians and Bofur wanted his approval on the decorations and then Bombur sent word that he wanted to see Fili in the kitchens to sample a few things...With all this, it was well past midnight by the time Fili made his way back to his chambers. 

He was tired and still a bit overwhelmed by the ache in his heart, but he was also proud of himself, glad that he had been able to put his personal sorrow aside for the last few hours and do his job. It made him feel strong and it gave him a bit of hope that he would get past this. It would probably never stop hurting, but maybe he could learn to live with it. 

Fili went into his bedroom. He took off his shoes and put away his weapons. He took off his tunic and then he went to sit by the window. He could see the entire hillside from there. It was aglow in the moonlight and it was really rather beautiful. He tried not to think about anything, but his mind went back to his brother, the way it always did. The pain was still fresh and it hurt like a physical wound almost... 

There was a knock on the door. Fili started and he quickly got up. There was only one person who would come to see him at this late hour and Fili really didn't want to see his brother just then. He hoped that Kili would go away if he didn't respond...he heard the door open and he heard Kili call his name and he sighed. He stepped into the bathroom and washed his face. He took a moment to compose himself and then he walked out of his bedroom, wiping his face with a towel and trying his best to look normal. 

"What are you doing up so late, Kee?" he said. 

"Where were you, nadadel? I haven't seen you for hours." 

"I got sick of the meetings, so I took off for a while." 

"Where did you go? Why didn't you tell me?" 

"I didn't go anywhere special. I just went down to the forge for a while. I thought a bit of metal working would be a nice break from all that endless talk." 

“You should have told me. You know I don’t like it when I don’t know where you are. You didn’t even come to dinner, Fee.” Kili sounded so plaintive that Fili smiled in spite of himself. His brother was still a child in so many ways. 

“I was with Dori, making preparations for tomorrow. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but you were busy and I guess I assumed that you wouldn’t notice.” 

"Busy?" 

"Yes...with Tauriel. You were having what seemed like an intimate conversation, and I didn’t want to intrude." Fili tried to keep his voice neutral, but he didn't really succeed. 

"You don't like her do you?" Kili said softly. 

Fili sighed. "I don't dislike her. But then I don't know her and honestly, I don't really care." 

Kili looked hurt and Fili realised that he was being a bit harsh. 

"I've been spending a little too much time with her, haven't I?" 

_Yes!_ Fili wanted to shout. _It's like you don't see me anymore._ But he didn't. He just shrugged in response. 

"Mother thinks it isn't right for me to single her out like that and she definitely doesn't like the fact that I've been flirting with Tauriel…I just like her, Fee. Is that wrong?" 

Kili was obviously upset. And it really wasn't his fault. He shouldn't have to feel bad for wanting to spend time with the elf who was probably his one. 

"No, nadadith. It's not wrong." 

"It's just that, none of you seem to approve. Uncle Thorin keeps glaring at me, mother looks pained and you say you don’t care, but I can tell that you don’t like it at all.” 

Fili sighed. "I'm sorry, Kee. I didn't mean to make you feel bad about it. There is nothing wrong with you liking Tauriel." 

"Even though she's an elf?" 

"It doesn't matter that she's an elf. But what do you mean when you say you like her? Is this a dalliance? Because if it is, then I don't think anyone in either kingdom would approve. You are both of age and you should be waiting for your one. The elves are every bit as particular about that as us dwarrows. But if she is your one, then no one would disapprove. They wouldn't have the right." 

Kili sighed and then he turned away looking troubled. 

"Is she your one?" It hurt to ask that question, but Fili had to know. 

"I don't know," Kili said. "I wish I did. I know I like her. She's beautiful and she's fun to be around. She makes me laugh…but is she my one? How am I supposed to know? How does it feel when you meet you one? How are you supposed to know, nadad?" 

Fili felt like he wanted to hit something. He wanted to help his brother, he really did. But this conversation was getting harder and harder to bear _. How do you know when you meet your one? You know it in your soul, Kee. The very sight of that person makes you happy. You crave their presence, their attention and their touch. You want to make them happy. You want them to love you and need you. You don't want to live without them and the sight of them with someone else damn near kills you. But I cannot tell you that now can I?_  

"I don't know, Kee. All I know is what I have been taught. You should ask mother. Or you could go to Ori. Either of them could tell you." 

"Why does everything have to be so serious anyway? I like her, she seems to like me. Why isn't that enough? She doesn't have to be my one." 

"No, I suppose not. But you are no longer in your fifties, nadadith. It is no longer okay for you to get involved with whoever you fancy. You've done that. You've had your freedom. But you're of age now and you're supposed to hold out, wait for your one. And you're not just any dwarf. You are a prince of Erebor and you're supposed to uphold our ways. I know you don't like to be serious about anything, nadadith, but I suggest you think about this." 

“I understand what you’re saying, Fee, but I’m just so confused.” 

“I don’t know what else to tell you. This is something you have to figure out of yourself.” 

They sat in silence for a while after that, both occupied with their thoughts. Fili was hurting and he was wondering how he was going to get through the next few days and how he was going to cope if Kili decided that Tauriel was indeed his one. He didn't let it show, of course, so Kili had no idea that he had pretty much broken his brother's heart. 

"It's getting late. You should go to bed," Fili said finally. 

"You should be sleeping too, nadad. You've been working very hard." 

"Let's just both go to bed then. We have an early start tomorrow." Fili didn't think he was going to get any sleep that night, but he didn't want to continue this conversation. And he really needed not to be around his brother for a while and wasn't that a sad thought _? Is this the way it is going to be from now? Am I going to be distancing myself from Kili because I can’t bear to be around him anymore?_ Somehow that thought hurt more than everything else. 

Kili got up and went to the door. Then he turned and came back and pulled Fili into a hug. Fili was surprised, but he put his arms around his brother and held him tight.  He couldn't help the feeling of rightness that flooded his soul when he held Kili against him like this. And Kili had a tendency to burrow into him, like he was trying to get as close to Fili as possible. He had been like that ever since he was a baby. 

Fili knew in that moment that he couldn't distance himself from his brother if he tried. It might be painful to be around him so much, considering that brotherly affection was all that he could hope for, but he would take what he could get. They were brothers before everything else, and that bond, at least, he would always have.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about all the angst, but it gets better, I promise.


	3. Chapter 3

Kili held on to his brother for a couple of minutes. He seemed unwilling to let go. He rubbed his nose against Fili's chest the way he used to when he was a dwarfling. It made Fili's heart flip and it made him tighten his hold on Kili. He had no idea why his brother was clinging to him, but he was loath to let go. 

It had been so long since he’d held Kili like this. Ever since he’d realised that Kili was his one, he had tried not to touch him too much, afraid that he might lose control. He was struggling now. It was hard to keep his hands in one place when all he wanted was to run them all over Kili’s body, to kiss and caress and to claim him as his own.

And it was getting even harder considering the way Kili was nuzzling him. There was nothing brotherly about that, but Fili chose not to read anything into it, because though Kili was of age, he was still a dwarfling in many ways. 

“You don’t hug me any more,” Kili whispered. 

“It’s not intentional, nadadith. It’s just one of those things we stopped doing as we grew up.” 

“I like it when you hold me like this. I makes me feel...happy.” Kili said. 

Fili felt as if his heart was going to burst right there. “Then I’ll make sure to hug you as often as I can,” he said. 

Kili pulled away and looked hesitantly at his brother. “I love you, Fee,” he said. 

And Fili wanted to cry. “I love you too,” he said. 

… 

Fili woke up early the next morning. He still felt a bit raw from all the emotion of the previous day, but he decided to put that aside and get on with what he had to do. Durin's day was the start of the dwarves' New Year. It was considered a sacred day and it was celebrated with food and drink and with a display of dwarven skill both at fighting and at crafting. 

The day would begin in the arena that had been set up in the training grounds high up in the mountain. Here dwarves would enter competitions in sward fighting, axe-fighting, sword throwing, archery and the like. These competitions were avidly watched and there was always a lot of betting on the winners. There was even more interest than usual this year, because the elves were competing as well. Fili was tempted to give the competitions a miss, but his mother wouldn't hear of it. She had come to see him early that morning and she was adamant that he go out and compete. 

"You are the crown prince of Erebor. You have to go into the arena and show everyone what you can do. Our people need to see you and so do our guests," she said. 

Fili sighed. He really wasn't in the mood, but his mother was right. It was an important occasion and he couldn't shy away from it. 

"I know your heart is not in it, son. But this is something that you have to do. I know you’re hurting. But Kili doesn't mean to hurt you, he doesn't even know that he's hurting you. He’s just a bit confused right now, but he'll come around." 

"I know you're trying to make me feel better, mother, but just don't...please. I don't want to hope. If I really was Kili's one, he would have known it by now. I have held on to hope a little too long as it is. I need to let it go." 

"No you don't. What you need is to stop retreating and go fight for him. He's your soulmate, Fili. He hasn't figured it out yet, but you need to help him along. I know you’re upset that he hasn’t recognised you as his one yet. But you have to understand that this is difficult for him. You’re his brother and he’s always loved you, so it is a bit confusing to sort out one kind of love from another, particularly when a soul bond between brothers isn’t exactly common.” 

"You had your own difficulties with this, if you remember. In fact you came to me feeling guilty about your feelings and even when Thorin and I told you that there is nothing wrong with having your brother as your one, it took you several days to accept it. Kili is struggling with the same thing.” 

Fili took a couple of minutes to let her words sink in. “I hadn’t thought of it that way,” he said. “But if that is the case, why is he so enamoured with Tauriel?” 

His mother sighed. “Kili is… a bit flighty, I’m afraid. And he’s an incorrigible flirt, you know that. He's come of age, but he hasn’t yet learned to behave like an adult. I don’t know exactly what is going on with him and Tauriel, but I think he’s infatuated with her. He’s always been fascinated with elves and she’s an archer like him, she’s beautiful and she’s obviously taken with him…it’s a bit hard to resist. But none of that means that she’s his one.” 

“And if she is?” 

“Then there’s nothing either of us can do about it. But until we know for sure, there’s no reason to give up hope. So you go fight for your one, get his attention, make him see you. Don't just walk away and give that elf the floor." 

"But what's the point? If she is his one..." 

"You don't know that and neither does Kili. So stop making assumptions." 

"You're assuming that I'm his one." 

"I'm not assuming. I know." 

"You can't possibly know, mother." 

"I do. I've watched you two from the time you were babies and you were always close, closer than brothers usually are. Even as a baby, Kili would stop crying and stop fretting as long as you were holding him. Every time he was unwell, he'd want you to take care of him, not me. He’d follow you everywhere you went and you liked it.” 

“Neither of you could bear to be separated from the other for more than a few hours. The two of you almost staged a rebellion the day I told Kili that he had to move out of your room. And when you got injured on that orc raid a few years ago, I couldn't pry him away from your bed. He worried himself sick and he stayed with you all day and all night until you recovered. Not all of that can be explained away as brotherly love, Fili. I have a brother and I know what a brother’s love looks like.” 

Fili had no idea what to say to that. 

“Go fight for him,” his mother said again. “Stop burying yourself in work and responsibility, hoping that Kili will figure it all out by himself. Spend time with him and for Mahal's sake stop treating him like your little brother. You'll never sort this out if you keep doing that. If nothing comes of it, fine. We’ll call it fate and let it go. But don’t give up without trying.”

 


	4. Chapter 4

Fili left his chambers with his mother's words ringing in his ears. He hadn't wanted to listen to her, but he couldn't deny that she had a point. It was true that he tended to bury himself in his work and while he did try to spend time with Kili, he probably hadn’t been around as much as he should’ve been. He had to change that, and he really had to stop treating Kili like his little brother. He didn't how he was going to do that, but he had to try.

It was still early, but Fili had plenty to do and his first impulse was to skip breakfast. He thought he would grab a bite in the kitchen and go attend to his work, but he stopped himself...it was this kind of thinking that had got him into the situation that he was in. So he went back to his mother and asked her to take over some of his duties that morning. She was, of course, very happy to oblige.

Fili then went to his brother's chambers. He knocked a couple of times and then he walked in. Kili was in his bedroom, getting dressed. He seemed very surprised to see Fili.

"I thought it was mother again," he said. "I didn't expect to see you. I assumed you'd be rushing off to catch up with something or the other."

"I was going to, but then I decided to stop and check on you. I thought you'd still be asleep, to be honest."

"I would’ve been. But mother barged in about an hour ago and she shook me until I woke up."

Fili chuckled at that.

Kili smiled a bit ruefully as he reached for his comb and tried to get his hair in order. It was badly tangled and he was struggling. "This is such a mess," he grumbled. "And mother insisted that I braid my hair today…"

Fili watched his brother tug at his hair a few times before he grabbed his hand and stopped him. "Why don't I do that for you?" he said. "No offence, but I can't watch you torture your hair like that."

"Please," Kili said and he promptly handed his brother his comb and his beads. He sat on his bed facing the mirror and Fili settled down behind him. Fili picked up the comb and gently started to work the tangles out of his brother's hair. He looked up a couple of times and saw his brother watching him in the mirror as he worked. They sat in a companionable silence as Fili combed his brother’s hair out. It was thick and soft and it felt so good to run his fingers through it once the tangles were out.

“You have such beautiful hair, nadadith,” he said.

Kili smiled and Fili felt his insides start to melt. He'd really missed doing this. They used to comb each other's hair every morning as dwarflings and Kili used to do Fili's braids every day. That was another thing that they'd lost to adulthood. It had, in fact, been rather bold of Fili to offer to comb and braid his brother's hair because that was something of an intimate act that adult dwarves only shared with their lovers and spouses.

He'd made the offer without really thinking about it. His only intention had been to help his brother and Kili had clearly accepted it in the same spirit, but now that he was running his fingers through Kili's hair, he couldn't help but think of the meaning of the act. It bothered him a bit, because they weren't anything more than brothers (despite the fact that wanted them to be more) and he didn't want to take advantage of the fact that Kili was still a bit naïve about some things…

"Stop over-thinking it," Kili said softly.

Fili started and he blushed a little. His brother seemed to have read his mind.

"I've missed this," Kili said softly.

“I’ve missed it too.”

Fili finished combing Kili’s hair and then he gathered some of the hair on the left side of Kili’s head and he began to braid it. He glanced up at the mirror and he noticed that his brother was looking very thoughtful.

“We don’t do a lot of things together anymore,” he said in a small voice. “I miss you, Fee. I miss being close to you.”

Fili felt like he'd just been kicked in the stomach. Clearly this had been on his brother's mind for some time. He hated how tentative Kili sounded. Kili was rarely tentative about anything. He was cock sure and irritatingly confident. Kili was all bright smiles and sunshine...Fili hated how unsure of himself his brother seemed. And to think that he was the one responsible for Kili's doubts and his hesitation. 

The last few years had been hard for Fili. He'd been named the crown prince and he'd realised that Kili was his one at around the same time. His duties as crown prince took him away from Kili and he'd missed his brother, but he hadn't done anything about it, because he'd thought that a bit of distance might prevent him from laying his heart at his brother's feet and declaring his undying love or perhaps doing something even more inappropriate. He didn't know what to say to Kili now.

"We've drifted apart," Kili said. "And you don't seem to mind."

That hurt. "I do mind."

"Then why haven't you done anything about it?" 

Fili sighed. Mahal! What a mess he'd made of everything. 

"I’m sorry, nadadith. I suppose I didn't know what I was doing and I got caught up in things that aren't actually all that important."

Kili turned around at that. He looked more serious than his brother had ever seen him.

"I know you have a lot to do,” he said. “There's been a lot of pressure on you ever since Uncle Thorin named you his heir and I know you want to prove yourself. I understand that. But I miss you, Fee. We used to share everything and we used to do everything together. I know we can’t be dwarflings forever, but I don’t know what we are any more. You're so busy all the time. You do make time for me every now and then, but it is never spontaneous and even when we are together, you're...distant. And you seem to go out of your way to make sure not to touch me and I hate it."

There was so much pain in those words. Fili wanted to hit himself. How could he have let it come to this? He had only been trying to protect his brother. He’d been trying not to touch Kili too much because that brought the sort of temptation that he hadn’t been sure he could resist. He’d assumed that Kili wouldn’t think much of it. How could he have been so stupid? And to think that he'd been telling himself just last night that he would never distance himself from his brother when he'd already been doing it for years. How could he possibly have thought that his brother wouldn’t notice or that he wouldn’t care?

“I’m so sorry," Fili said. He got off the bed and knelt in front of Kili. 

“Why Fee? Was it something I did?”

“No! It wasn’t anything you did.”

“Then why would you suddenly pull away from me like that?”

Fili wished he could tell him, he wished he could explain everything, but no matter how he thought about it, it didn’t seem like the right thing to do. He didn’t know if he was Kili’s one. And even if he was, Kili might not realise it yet. Fili couldn’t tell how Kili would react. Kili had said that he missed him, but clearly he had missed him as a brother. Did that give him permission to tell Kili that he was his one and that he wanted to marry him and love him forever?

What if Kili felt obligated to accept him? That was a completely horrible thought. And what if Kili's interest in Tauriel was genuine and hearing of Fili's interest in him made him pull away in anger and disgust? What a miserable situation to be in! _But I have to tell him, sometime,_ Fili thought. _I've made a big enough mess of everything as it is. But is today the best day to tell Kili the truth? I have so much to do and we have guests and we have to be out in the public so much of the day. What if Kili reacts badly and we have a falling out? If that has to happen, I’d much rather it happened on a day when the whole thing could be a little more private. ___

“I wish I could tell you, nadadith, I really do. But I can’t. At least not now.” 

Kili sighed. “And that’s another thing…you keep hiding things from me. We never used to have any secrets, Fee. What changed? I’ve been trying to figure it out, but I can’t. I don’t know what’s happening between us. Something feels different. I don’t know what it is and you won’t tell me. I’m getting tired of it.” 

“I’m sorry, Kee. I will tell you, I promise. Just not today.” 

Kili sighed and turned away. 

“I’m not trying to evade the question, nadadith.” 

“Sure looks like it.” 

“I don’t blame you for thinking that. Please believe me when I tell you that my intention was never to hurt you. I’m very sorry. I will explain everything tomorrow. Today is going to be difficult anyway, so can we please just get through it?” 

Kili looked up and stared right into Fili’s eyes. Fili stared back, hoping that his brother would see that he’d really meant everything that he’d said. 

“Promise you’ll tell me everything.” 

“Yes. I will. And I promise I will never hide anything from you again. Just let it go for now, please.” 

“Okay. But you'll stay with me today and not wander off goodness knows where without saying a word." 

"I won’t, I promise. Now sit still so I can finish braiding your hair.” 


End file.
